My story with alcohol started when I was around 14years old, I had moved numerous times throughout my childhood, and I was starting my 3rd high school. I was always an overweight kid and bullied for it. Walking into the new school and not knowing anyone my anxiety was at an all time high. To make it even more daunting I had come from a private school to a public school and had no idea what I would be in store for.

On my first day I met someone who would become my best friend, he asked me in our first 5 minutes of meeting if I drank or smoked, I said yes to both, though really I just wanted to fit in. 

From then it started with weekends lying to my parents about where I was going and going out and getting drunk. This continued for many years, well into my 20’s.

When I drank, I drank to get drunk. I didn’t see the point in just having a few.

Over those years I cannot tell you how many blackouts I had been in. I would wake up in places that I do not remember how I got there; I am sure I have done things I would have never done if I stayed sober. 

That best mate that I made in high school passed away when we were 28. I thought deciding to then leave Melbourne and relocate to Perth would change my life, and it did for my career, however I continued partying and drinking. I started drinking more and more on my own as no one was there to see me.

I was angry that my best mate had died, and I had no idea how to control my emotions as I had always drank to numb everything.

I moved back to Melbourne in a bad way and started getting help from loved ones as they saw how bad I had become, especially when I drank.

Then I met someone and thought he was the love of my life. I knew for a long time he wasn’t the right person for me but I didn’t know how to get myself out of the relationship. When I drank I told him exactly what I thought, however most of the time I blacked it out and he would be cross with me and I wouldn’t remember what I said. This made me feel guilt and as though I was the one causing the problems in the relationship, as well as my drinking of course.

By now I had a beautiful little boy from the relationship and when he was 15 months old I decided I needed to get out. I did not want my son to grow up in a house where woman were not respected and couldn’t be independent. 

Finally I felt a sense of relief and freedom, and I had more time to myself as I had every second weekend child-free. This meant though that I started partying for those weekends pretty much from the Friday through to the Sunday when I would have to pick my boy up.

It was the same old same old; I put myself into situations that again I would never do if I stayed sober. I then met a wonderful person who ended up having their own demons with alcohol and my weekend drinking crept up into heavy drinking during the week as well. When we broke up it shattered me, so again I resorted to my old coping mechanism of alcohol to numb everything.  

I finally reached out to some family members and started my sober journey. I tried AA and it wasn’t for me.

Things like Facebook groups and quit lit keep me on track and I know that I cannot ever drink again, I don’t have the ‘off-switch’ that some people have.

I had a little relapse when the Melbourne lockdown started however, I pulled myself together and I have now been sober for 12 months.

My life is so much better sober, and my son will never remember seeing his mum drunk. 

Amber is a member of the Untoxicated FB closed support group, check it out: https://www.facebook.com/groups/untoxicatedaus and check out other resources that might help you here: https://untoxicated.com.au/need-help. It is advised you seek medical advice before quitting alcohol.